I’ll think of a naming convention later

I am in such a weird place. I feel like everything is headed in the right direction. Yet things feel weird. There are things I want to talk about but maybe I never will. There’s people I miss yet wonder if we’re better away. I want to be vulnerable but am afraid. Am I afraid that I will get hurt like I always do? Sometimes with the other party not realizing they are hurting me. Then again, am I hurting myself. I find my emotions to be one of my most valuable assets so I guard them like my life depends on it. While trying to maintain a balance as I do not want to become too strict or rigid I want to have a nice flow. I want to talk or be heard yet the time to speak is not now. I haven’t even found all the words for how I feel, how you made me feel and what I longed for so is speaking now an injustice as things may go overlooked, misunderstood or misspoken for. I lose my train of thought as someone walks into my room and I feel like I have to guard my thoughts. Oh, all the things I need to get done. I feel like I am surrounded by thousands of dollars worth of equipment that I am unable to access for various reasons. This makes me think like yesss, this is your chance to slow down and truly understand the inner-workings and the foundations and principles of these tools and systems. I want to build my own processing system yet I don’t like to read. I want to compose and design sound yet I don’t understand the typical systematic approach to understanding the normal doctotine of music theory. I love the concept of AI and Technology yet I am just begging to write my first code. I hate some of the things that the collective agreed upon that looks good but I have yet to develop all the skill and technique to apply principles to bring to life via design. I am racing no one. Yet I am racing everyone who sees a light in me. I am racing everyone who tells me “you have something.” The people who tell me I have been aiming my gun far too long and to simply pull the trigger. I may have something, yet I am in no real rush to grow. No rush to show and prove and validate through all these external means and measures. I plan on building something that has a lasting impact whether you know it or not. Whether you can see it or you can’t. These things don’t happen overnight. People often ask me what I do… The thing is I can tell you what I am working on moment to moment; because I live moment to moment and things change. But after I explain to you what I do and potentially what that looks like you still will not understand the depths, the time, the energy, the satisfaction even that go into my work. I could put it directly in front of your face and you still wouldn’t know what you’re looking at. So I choose silence. I choose shutting the fuck up. You can believe whatever you want to believe about me based on what your mind tells you. Or you can ask the question. But when you ask please for my sake, I don’t want you to ask with unclear intentions. I just want you to have a genuine curiosity or care. Don’t ask so you can tell you’re friends about me and how cool I might be. Ask because you might want to know the real meaning if meaning exists. Don’t ask so you can leverage this information, don’t ask so you make me feel good. If you ask it should be because you wanted to and no other reason. This makes me think about all the private conversations I have. People know and talk about me yet I never hear the chatter and it doesn’t really get back to me. But I like it like that. Just know if we had a private conversation together it was just that. I don’t swear by privacy to live my life in secrecy, it’s just that I value privacy. The fact it was just us talking.. doing whatever, I valued that. It meant something to me. Apart from anyone knowing. It was special and something we shared. If you want to turn around and talk and share mine, yours and our business so be it. You gave that away. I still love you though. It might just be in another way.